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Shazia Mirza's View from The Mic

01 April 2010

Britain is a very tolerant nation. We allow people to say what they like without arresting them, we give murderers new identities and let them live amongst us, and even Jordan has fans.

Alcohol helps our tolerance.

I was standing at a taxi rank in Glasgow after my gig when a drunk woman approached me, "Is my hair still here?" she asked, with her blonde hair extension hanging over her face, a false eyelash on her check, and a big hole in her fishnet tights. I said, "Yes it's all there". "God, I'm so pissed" she continued "And I'm on the morning shift".

 

She then vomited all over my new shoes.

 

"What do you do" I asked?"

 

"I'm a Doctor" she replied.

 

Instead of punching her in the face for ruining my footwear, I helped her into a cab and gave her a tissue.

 

The next night I was performing at a gig in Glasgow where most of the people had been drinking. It was Saturday night, and the area where I was staying would be described by estate agents as ‘lively'.

 

The street was full of motor bike shops that would become very noisy on a Saturday morning from 6am when people would come along to try them out. No one complained.

 

At the venue, there was only one toilet and two bar staff for 300 people. No one complained.

 

The show began, and all night there were jokes about paedophilia, rape, and incest.

 

No one complained.

 

But when a comedian made a joke about ginger people, a man in the audience stood up and shouted -"Now you've gone too far, mate! Come on lets take it outside, I'll knock your block off!"

 

I can't help thinking the people in this Glaswegian village have got their priorities all wrong. Or maybe I have.

 

 

SHAZIA MIRZA- SHOWREEL SEE BELOW

I will be doing shows in San Francisco CA Thursday 17th April- Thursday 24th April for details click here: www.shazia-mirza.com/gigs.html

Tickets for my new Edinburgh Show 31st July- 24th August 2014 are now on sale here: www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedybulletproof

I will be doing my regular slot live on The Vanessa Feltz show on BBC Radio 2- Pause for Thought 5.45am on the 1st, 8th and 15th May

My latest piece that I have written for The Financial Times Magazine on touring India can be read here: www.ft.com/cms/s/2/5784243c-d3c0-11e2-95d4-00144feab7de.html#axzz2WCJTuOpc

and my piece in the Mail on Sunday on learning meditation can be read here: www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2344504/Can-I-silent-treatment-One-professional-talker-worless-days-meditation-retreat.html

 

Shazia's column in The Guardian

Shazia's weekly column- Diary of a Disappointing Daughter is in The Guardian Weekend Magazine every Saturday.
Read it in the Silly Writings Section or www.theguardian.co.uk

Columnist of the Year

Read Shazia's award winning column in The New Statesman and her funny column in Hotline Magazine- on Virgin Trains

Read Shazia's Hotline Magazine articles
Read Shazia's New Statesman articles