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Shazia Mirza's Weekend Column

30 October 2010

I was doing a show in Birmingham last week when I asked the audience, "Any divorced people in? "

 

A woman in the front row nudged her friend: "Put your hand up."

 

"No way," whispered her friend.

 

"Are you divorced?" I asked her.

 

"Yes," she said.

 

"Did he have an affair?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Did he leave you for a younger woman?"

 

There was a silence.

 

"An older woman?"

 

There was another silence.

 

"A smaller woman," she replied.

 

"How small?"

 

"Handbag size."

 

"How did you find out?" I said.

 

"I found his enhancement pills. Iwas cleaning out the spare room and I found the receipts."

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I photocopied them. I'm a teacher and I used the school photocopier to run off 10 copies. I sent them to various people, including my lawyer. I thought, 'You don't mess with me.'"

 

"Then what did you do?"

 

"I got drunk."

 

"She just drinks and drinks," her friend said. "It has no effect. She just gets up in the morning, sedately pissed, walks into the classroom and starts teaching."

 

The woman then shouted, "He didn't need those pills when he was with me."

 

The audience were hooked.

 

As they were leaving, one woman said, "How dreadful, but delightfully funny."

 

SHAZIA MIRZA- SHOWREEL SEE BELOW

I will be doing shows in San Francisco CA Thursday 17th April- Thursday 24th April for details click here: www.shazia-mirza.com/gigs.html

Tickets for my new Edinburgh Show 31st July- 24th August 2014 are now on sale here: www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedybulletproof

I will be doing my regular slot live on The Vanessa Feltz show on BBC Radio 2- Pause for Thought 5.45am on the 1st, 8th and 15th May

My latest piece that I have written for The Financial Times Magazine on touring India can be read here: www.ft.com/cms/s/2/5784243c-d3c0-11e2-95d4-00144feab7de.html#axzz2WCJTuOpc

and my piece in the Mail on Sunday on learning meditation can be read here: www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2344504/Can-I-silent-treatment-One-professional-talker-worless-days-meditation-retreat.html

 

Shazia's column in The Guardian

Shazia's weekly column- Diary of a Disappointing Daughter is in The Guardian Weekend Magazine every Saturday.
Read it in the Silly Writings Section or www.theguardian.co.uk

Columnist of the Year

Read Shazia's award winning column in The New Statesman and her funny column in Hotline Magazine- on Virgin Trains

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