Shazia Mirza: Diary of a disappointing daughter

I was doing a show in Birmingham last week when I asked the audience, “Any divorced people in? “

A woman in the front row nudged her friend: “Put your hand up.”

“No way,” whispered her friend.

“Are you divorced?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said.

“Did he have an affair?”


“Did he leave you for a younger woman?”

There was a silence.

“An older woman?”

There was another silence.

“A smaller woman,” she replied.

“How small?”

“Handbag size.”

“How did you find out?” I said.

“I found his enhancement pills. Iwas cleaning out the spare room and I found the receipts.”

“What did you do?”

“I photocopied them. I’m a teacher and I used the school photocopier to run off 10 copies. I sent them to various people, including my lawyer. I thought, ‘You don’t mess with me.'”

“Then what did you do?”

“I got drunk.”

“She just drinks and drinks,” her friend said. “It has no effect. She just gets up in the morning, sedately pissed, walks into the classroom and starts teaching.”

The woman then shouted, “He didn’t need those pills when he was with me.”

The audience were hooked.

As they were leaving, one woman said, “How dreadful, but delightfully funny.”