Shazia’s week

Stand by for the Gay Muslim suicide bombers – they’re the ones with Christian Louboutin briefcases.

It is really been a bad day at the office if you’re a suicide bomber going home. It is noxious enough that whenever I turn on the TV it’s one of “our lot”, but now to know that they’re actually rubbish at doing rubbish things: that is just devastating.

I understand that wages on the NHS are pretty poor – it’s enough to drive anyone to suicide – but not only are you still alive, I don’t think the NHS is going to have you back either. I think it’s instant dismissal.

My mother always wanted me to carry on the family tradition of either being a doctor or marrying a doctor. She is devastated that medicine is not the sacred profession it once was. Now it has become less selective, she has her eye on the local mechanic.

The recent events have made me wonder – is there no end to the aspirations of the middle classes? We even have middle-class suicide bombers who shop at Waitrose, holiday in Tuscany and prefer a Mercedes to a Nissan Micra. But what worries me is that al-Qaeda’s car got towed away. Obviously, because the bomber hadn’t put the correct parking ticket on the windscreen. Typical Muslim – always trying to do things on the cheap. The security services really need to erect surveillance cameras at Waitrose on Marylebone High Street – this is where aspiring terrorists hang out, not the foothills of Bradford. That’s so 2001.

In the days before suicide bombing became fashionable, I used to think the motives were sexual. Now they seem to be more political. But when the sexual mixes with the political, that’s when the real fireworks happen.

With the IRA it used to be basic bombing, but the Muslims thought, “Anything you can do, I can do better,” so we threw in suicide and the game was up for the IRA. Now the poor Irish must be thinking: “Bloody hell – those Muslims, coming over here, stealing our jobs.”

There are still more male suicide bombers than female, possibly because the incentives for a male suicide bomber seem more lucrative. They apparently get 72 virgins. What do Muslim women get if they blow themselves up? A day off. Not really worth it, is it?

I am worried that, with the middle-class Muslim suicide bombers exposed, things are going to escalate further and we will soon see the rise of the Gay Muslim suicide bomber. They’ve taken a while to emerge, as they’ve been hidden away in the closet, posing as horny clerics. The Gay Muslim suicide bombers will carry not rucksacks, but Christian Louboutin briefcases. MI5 needs to get on to this straight away. Gay Muslim suicide bombers will not fail; they are meticulous planners.

I was stopped by the police on a dual carriageway a few days ago – not for being brown, or because my Peugeot 206 was veering dangerously close to Stansted Airport, but because I was on the phone without my hands-free kit on. It had dropped on the floor and I put the phone to my ear just as the police pulled over. As I wound my window down the officer shouted very loudly in my face: “Do you want three points?” “What prizes do I get?” I asked.

He ordered me out of the car. The whole road stopped to watch. I told him I was only joking. “It’s not funny,” he said. “This is a serious offence.” Then he asked for my name and occupation. When I told him I was a comedian he said: “Right, that’s enough! I want you to come down to the station with me.” “No, I really am a comedian,” I said. He asked if I had any proof. “Well, I’ve got a tight ten-minute routine I could do,” I replied.

He looked at me in utter disbelief, and started shouting. “Why are you shouting at me?” I said. “Is it because I’m black?” He said: “Right, you, that’s three points.” I said: “Can I have your phone number? You’re husband material.” My mum will be pleased, because he’s not a doctor.