Shazia’s week

A Muslim woman knocked on my door last night. I didn’t open the door – I just talked through the letter box to see how she likes it.

This veil controversy is not really about the veil at all. The answer is simple: we want Islam to take over the world, and Birmingham to be the capital. This war is Islam versus the west and we’re winning. It must be obvious by now that whatever we do, we do with a bang. For a Muslim girl, the worst thing is not wearing the veil, but to go out with a black man. My dad used to say, “If I ever catch you with a black man I will burn you!” I thought, “But Dad! – then I’ll be black, too!”

Muslims are at a difficult period in their history, especially those of us in the west. Bush and co are akin to salt on our wounds. When I was growing up in Birminghamabad nobody wore the veil, burqa, dustbin liner, whatever, and now when I go back everyone’s wearing it. Muslims feel threatened and this is their way of surviving. All the women in my family have started wearing the burqa, which is great, because we all use the same bus pass. My brothers have started to use my mother’s pass as well, so it’s not all bad news.

He said, “You used to wear the hijab. Why have you stopped?” I said, “Because I’ve washed my hair.” He said, “This is no time for jokes like that.” So why ring a comedian? Why don’t they ask Jade Goody what she thinks about jihad?

“Don’t you think the burqa is oppressive?” he said. No! you should see what they’ve got on underneath – it’s like an Ann Summers sweatshop. Agent Provocateur would be out of business without these women.

What you don’t realise is just how raunchy Muslim women really are.

The public should not worry unduly about the burqa. What’s wrong with a teacher coming into school looking like Darth Vader? Kids these days are too sheltered; they need some diversity.

Today, there’s no business like burqa business. There’s a gap in the market – for the likes of Liz Hurley and Elton John. The Burberry burqa is the solution. Also, let’s be honest. What every western man really desires is a woman in high heels and a short burqa. I know Muslim girls who wear the hijab and a G-string. Now that’s real integration.

He said where do you live? What do you do in the daytime? When I noticed his wedding ring I wrote him off. To my astonishment he called me three days later asking me out to lunch. I sent him a message saying I would love to, so long as he brought his wife. He hasn’t made contact since. I can’t help thinking this man wanted a bite of ethnic in his lunch hour.

I then went to do a corporate show in Glasgow and found myself sitting next to an overweight, fake-tanned millionaire. His opening line was, “Hello. My name is such and such and I own an airline.” I said, “Hello. My name is Shazia Mirza – at least, that’s what it says on my pilot’s licence.” He said, “Do you want sex?” an offer I found myself unable to take up.

I am becoming increasingly worried that if I die a virgin, when I get to heaven I’ll be one of the 72 virgins that have to sleep with one of the suicide bombers. I suspect they’d be a bit disappointed.