I thought I’d lived a bit. But there’s always something round the corner in the US that still shocks me. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

I thought we were on a train, not a space shuttle whisking us away from apocalyptic doom. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

The other day while on the Underground, I was approached by a young man who couldn’t have been more than 20 years old. He looked typically “street” – trousers round the ankles, boxer shorts to the nipples, teeth pierced, you get the drift. I was alarmed when he started speaking to me. Was I about to be mugged on the train? Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Britain must be on the verge of sharia law: last night I was introduced on stage as Sharia Mirza. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

“Oh, it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” said the cleaner, spotting the tray shorts. “We all wear those in Cyprus” Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

With my parents, dishonesty is the best policy. It saves an awful lot of ludicrous explanation. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

As I hurry to a New Year’s gig for 200 gay men, I think of mum in Mecca. It’s what she’d have wanted for me. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

If I had a teddy bear I would call it Barbara Moses Vishnu Weinstein so everyone would be happy. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

“Thank you, it’s just what I wanted. I’ll watch them with my mum.” The audience clapped in that polite Swedish way. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

“You’re not a proper comedian are you?” said the AA man. “Not like Bernard Manning”. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Dying in public is bad – but at least it’s better than being shot for being a Brazilian. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

My birthday was pants. Next time I want a donkey and a cake with arson-sized candles. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

The news storming across America is Britney. She is bigger than that Iranian – literally. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

A stretch limo came to pick me up. How over the top, I thought. Where’s my Nissan Cherry with the dents in the back? Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

For my US tour I’ve been asked to remove any material relating to the electric chair or Tom Cruise. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Everyone in Edinburgh lives up four flights of stairs. It’s really funny watching the smokers. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

The door of my hotel room has bars. Prison decor is all the rage here. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Stand by for the Gay Muslim suicide bombers – they’re the ones with Christian Louboutin briefcases. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

In this war zone everything was brown, even the white people. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

I asked the tall woman what her name was. “Bianca Jagger,” she replied icily. I laughed and said, “Of course you are” Continue reading “The only person who should be allowed to use their surname in conversation is James Bond”

A crowd of Nobel Peace Prize winners and my lust for John Major. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Red carpet queens, Tarantino, and Tony’s plot to become pope. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Revealed: Tony Blair was the sixth Spice Girl. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

People are not who they say they are. This week, my national tour took me to a theatre in London. Noticing posters of Peter Kay on the walls, I asked if he was playing there. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Are you on a list? If not, you’re nothing. You don’t exist. You are a non-entity. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Never in this lifetime did I imagine our paths would cross. Rather than our eyes meeting across a greasy pole, they met across a crowded chamber, the debating chamber of the Cambridge Union. The motion: “This House believes that gentlemen prefer blondes.” I was proposing, and my opposition was: Peter Stringfellow. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

Weddings have been on my mind. Maybe spring is in the air . . . I plan to have my wedding day at Dudley Zoo. I shall arrive on an elephant with a couple of camels in tow, and I would like all my guests to arrive on donkeys. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

I am currently touring the UK with my show Fun, and this week I brought my fun to the Leicester Comedy Festival, Basingstoke, and then Windsor. I have been enjoying the glamour of Moto service stations and Travelodges immensely. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

My name is Shazia Mirza. This week, I started my first national tour, performing my first date in Dartmouth, where I was introduced as Shaver Minzad. I walked out to an audience who looked at me as if to say: “How unfortunate.” Continue reading “Shazia’s week”

This week I was in San Francisco. I’m always popular in California, because they think I’m Mexican. People come up to me after my shows and speak to me in Spanish. I talk back to them in Urdu; it’s a lot of fun. Continue reading “Shazia’s week”