It’s A Funny old World

When it comes to grooming, I always thought that giving nails a quick once- over with an emery board was good enough for anyone. Apparently not. I now have six nail bars on my door step, all within ten minutes’ walking distance of my front door. Six! Yet I have to walk two miles to my nearest Post Office and four miles to my nearest Greggs. Since when has a set of talons been more important than a cheese and onion pasty, that’s what I’d like to know.

I simply don’t understand it. The other day I saw a girl coming out of a nail bar with the Union Jack and Robbie Williams painted onto her inch long nails. I mean how’s she going to use the remote control let alone thread a needle or wield a knife and fork.

I’m a bit old school myself, if I were ever to indulge (unlikely), I’d probably have Bruce Forsyth and Tom Jones painted on mine- but I doubt they have them on the menu.

And even without the inconvenience of having the equivalent of decorated chopsticks glued to the ends of your digits, think of the price! It’s around £25- 40 for a full set, then you have to go back every few weeks to have them re- done when a nail grows out or drops off in your muesli. There are numerous other parts of my body that are in more need of attention- weight loss and moustache bleaching spring to mind- before I start decorating my fingernails with glitter. And my next- door neighbour has bigger claws than my cat, which is not only unnatural- but totally ridiculous, if we were meant to have nine inch nails we’d all be reptiles. But what I find disturbing is how some of these nail bars are now catering for men.

I can think of little worse than dating a man wearing a set of acrylic nails, decorated with pictures of Diana Dors or Jordan.

In fact such is my aversion for this new fashion of nail “art”-please!- I’ve started either doing my shopping online, or walking miles out of my way, just to avoid traipsing past all these nail bars. Which I suppose might help with the weight loss after all. The moustache will have to wait…”

It’s been a funny old week…

Where I’ve been: I’m on tour and this week I’ve been in Birmingham- It looks quite nice now that’s finished.

What I’ve seen: Celebrity Autobiography at Leicester Square Theatre. Absolutely hilarious and all true. You couldn’t make it up!

Who I’ve met: William Hague at an awards ceremony this week. He looks remarkably like John Inman.

What I’ve bought: A new bra, I’ve been wearing the last one for the past 25 years and it’s finally snapped.